MINDFUL SEX: BEING IN THE MOMENT WITH ALL YOUR SENSES
Forget roses and chocolates. Science has a new tip for better sex that was previously more associated with hippies and esotericism: Meditation. Hippies? Science? That probably doesn’t sound so sexy at first. On the other hand, being fully relaxed in the moment in bed, without any disturbing carousel of thoughts – sounds quite promising, doesn’t it? We explain how it works.
When the head gets in the way of pleasure
Let’s face it: during sex, we often think about anything but letting go. Instead, how often are you thinking about the next meeting, the last fight with your partner, playing out fantasies in your head, evaluating your own performance, or wondering what your butt looks like right now? In short: you are not in the moment.
If you add to that the fact that your sex life has rather fallen asleep lately, that you don’t feel well at the moment or that problems are piling up, worries and fears can quickly take over. And it’s not even our fault. Our own brain is to blame for this thought loop. Because negative events simply leave stronger impressions than positive ones. And this “negative bias” leads to a distorted perception that can put quite a damper on your sex life.
But there is something you can do about it! “Mindfulness” is a principle that can teach you to be fully in the moment without judging it. It’s a skill that can do wonders for your sex life – as even studies have shown.
Better sex thanks to “mindfulness” – scientifically proven
Against the lust killer number 1
We all know the number 1 lust killer: stress. When your mind is still spinning in the evening, it’s often fatal for your love life. And from an evolutionary-biological point of view, it makes perfect sense that stress hits our libido. After all, our brain still reacts to stress as it did in the Stone Age in the face of real danger. If a Stone Age man had to run away from a saber-toothed tiger, the desire for sex and the corresponding bodily reactions would probably have been more of a hindrance. Today, hardly any of us have to fight for survival, and yet we still react the same way in the face of psychological stress.
But mindfulness – that is, full concentration on the moment, for example through meditation – trains regions in the brain that allow us to regulate emotions. In this way, we gradually learn to control stress and relax more quickly. Brain scans have even shown that mindfulness training leads to a denser “gray matter” in these brain regions. At the same time, study participants reported less stress than non-meditators. And that, of course, helps the libido.
Get in the mood faster
In addition to combating stress, mindfulness also directly helps people get in the mood faster. In a study conducted at Brown University in the U.S., women reported feeling more quickly and intensely aroused by erotic images after three months of mindfulness training. The explanation is quite simple: those who learn to “simply” be in the moment and notice their own thoughts and feelings can accept their feelings more easily and quickly – and also censor themselves less. Your own autopilot is easier to switch off and the inner judging falls away.
More intense orgasms
The areas of the brain responsible for experiencing orgasms are also stimulated by meditation. Long-term meditators have been shown to have more folds in the insula (a small sunken part of the cerebral cortex). Doesn’t sound very sexy, but it is! Because according to another study, women with more insula folds experience more intense orgasms. In yet another study, the circle closes: in a Belgian survey, 176 of 251 women experienced orgasms during sex and 75 did not. The distinguishing factor: mindfulness. The women who were more mindful also experienced orgasms. Not surprisingly, they also reported putting less pressure on themselves.
Fair enough. But how do I get there now (to be more mindful ;)?
Mindful Sex: Discover with all senses
Mindfulness means nothing other than directing one’s full concentration on the moment without judging it. With a little practice, you can control your attention better and better and block out the rest of the world. If you can’t manage this in the heat of the moment, you can train with a few very simple exercises.
For example, take a one-cent piece from your wallet. Look at the coin very closely and examine it from all sides and with all your senses – touching, smelling, seeing, hearing – until you discover nothing new.
Now mix your penny with a few others with your eyes closed, and we’ll bet you: You’ll find it again. And you’ll have trained your brain to be completely focused on the task at hand and to perceive it with all your senses.
The most effective principle for practicing mindfulness on a regular basis is meditation – whether in a course, alone at home, or via app. For starters, guided meditations are easiest, because it’s easier to stay on the ball. Similar to sports, meditation trains the brain like a muscle, and gradually it becomes easier to control attention on other occasions as well – during sex, for example.
Totally in the moment
Even if mindfulness needs a bit of practice, a simple tip can already help you to be more relaxed and present with all your senses during sex: Instead of focusing on reaching orgasm, try to concentrate only on your sensations in the present moment, without questioning or evaluating them. If you find it difficult to concentrate, pay attention to your breath. Take in the sensations with your inhale and open up to new ones with your exhale. Quickly you will perceive only the abundance of sensory impressions and forget your breath completely. Maybe you’ll discover new erogenous zones that you hadn’t noticed before? In any case, it is easier to enjoy – and to open up to new experiences and sensations.
To practice the whole thing right away as a couple, you can fall back on a method of the well-known sex researchers Masters and Johnson. In “sensual focus,” partners alternate first with non-sexual, then with sexual touch: How does it feel to be touched? How does it feel to touch? Last but not least, communication (even without words) is one of the most important factors for a fulfilling sex life.
Ultimately, mindfulness helps you to be more attuned to what you want, what is important for your partner and then to enjoy it fully. If you are well attuned to each other and are mindful of each other, this brings sex to a new level.
